


How Do I Save Myself?

by TheLaziestMotherfucker



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 3x04, Angst, Anxiety, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Internal Monologue, Loneliness, M/M, Post-3x04, Post-lawsuit, Sad, hurt Buck, really hurt buck tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:20:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22216207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLaziestMotherfucker/pseuds/TheLaziestMotherfucker
Summary: A look into the time during the lawsuit.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 12
Kudos: 307
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	How Do I Save Myself?

**Author's Note:**

> This hasn't been proofread cause I'm in a rush and emotional so if anyone spots mistakes please point them out!

He thought it could take it. He really, truly, honestly thought he could manage it. As he sits in the lawyers officer, he realizes just how wrong he was about everything. Desk duty was pure shit. Not only was it a job that he hated, but it was one that kept him away from the people _he_ thought of to be family, not that anyone seemed to feel the same about him. Bobby doesn’t want him working, Hen and Chimney always have each other, and now Eddie has Lena Bosko. It wasn’t fair of him to hate her when she’s never done anything wrong. Buck knows that what he is feeling towards her is nothing more than jealousy and insecurity, but he summarizes it all up to hatred. No one needs him anymore. No one _wants_ him anymore.

So yeah, desk duty was absolute shit. He was gone for five months fighting to get his job back and they waited for him because they knew - or thought - that he would be coming back. Once it was made clear that he wasn’t, per Bobby’s wishes, no one hesitated to move on. His spot was taken and given to someone they’d just met. He’s been left behind the dust, afraid of when or if he would ever be able to catch up. He thought that they would’ve waited for him. He thought…He thought…

Whatever he thought or expected didn’t matter anymore. He had been wrong about them.

He’s alone in this fight.

* * *

Loneliness, silence, and insecurity can do quite a lot of internal damage to a person. It’s no stranger to Buck, he counts silence as one of his closest friends, but somehow this time around has been a little bit more heartbreaking than the other times. He knew it was fucked up - to fight to get back to a family that didn’t seem to want him - to fight with a lawsuit, but the 118 was more family to him than anyone else (besides Maddie, of course). Whether or not they thought of him as family didn’t matter. He didn’t care about any of that. What mattered more than anything was that he was with them and that he was doing his job.

Without it he felt useless.

Buck had grown so accustomed to having a family that the feeling of loosing them was a low and harsh blow, one that almost made him want to retreat back to his bed and hide from the world. He hadn’t had a family or a true proper friend in _years_ until he joined the 118. He had spent so long wandering from place to place, trying to find somewhere he belonged, and won the fucking lottery and got his wish, and as quick as he got it, he lost it. If he were to have kept wandering, the silence and loneliness would’ve been a numb, constant feeling that he had grown used to. But he was able to leave those two for a while in exchange for happiness and love, and going back to it hurt more than Buck could describe.

The sadness of it all _burned_. His skin felt unbearable, like he wanted to crawl out of it. His throat felt like it had closed up, robbing him of any voice to use. His body shook as if it was cold. His chest was heavy like someone was sitting on top of his chest. His eyes were closed, trying to make the focus and help the moment pass but it never helped anything.

He knew he should talk. He _wanted_ to talk. He wanted to call Bobby, Eddie, Hen, Chimney - _anyone_ \- and confide in them. Despite his pain, he knew he brought this upon himself and had no one else to blame. He was the one who filed the lawsuit. He knew what that entailed. He thought about all of this beforehand, but he didn’t think about how much it’d hurt. Buck has felt immense pain before, but it never hurt quite as much as this did, and Buck hated the world for it.

That was a new feeling, actually. Buck has never felt such hatred or anger in his life. It was bubbling underneath the surface, just waiting to come out as an undeserving person. Never is his life has he…Has he ever wanted to hit someone. Has ever wanted to hurt _himself_. Out of every other emotion, anger is the foulest and ugliest, and it was filled with so much of it.

He was furious at Bobby for keeping him away. He was upset about being put on desk duty. He was mad at him for lying to his face that he supported him when really, he was working against him. He is livid with the fact that Buck has been ostracized from his family because of him. He feels betrayed by him inviting Lena into his spot while he was working to get back.

And then there was Eddie…His best friend. More than anyone else, Buck wished he could talk to him about what was going on – what he was _feeling_ – but he knew the response that he would get. Him and Eddie understood each other without needing to use words, and maybe there’s been a reason for that. That reason being that Eddie isn’t the sharing or emotional type of guy for Buck to open his heart up to.

He appreciates the man’s hard-ass-ery when it comes to managing Buck and getting him out of bed and forcing him to take care of himself, but when Buck talks – like _really_ talks – Eddie doesn’t listen. Buck’s gotten the same response over and over again which was to suck it up. Eddie didn’t get it, and he didn’t want to get it. He felt betrayed by everyone for covering up his name with Lena’s, but it hurt the most from Eddie. Him and Christopher were his family and all the sudden it felt like that wasn’t the case. Within a blink of an eye, it felt like Buck had been replaced and that he nothing more than someone passing by in Eddie’s life.

He knows he is being fucking stupid – he _knows_ – but the logical side isn’t being loud enough. The logic in his head is being drowned out by the screams of hurt. He knows what Lena’s situation is, he gets why Bobby is cautious, and he understands why Eddie can’t be there listening to his problems all the time, but the emotional side of him is beyond hurt, lonely, and angry.

And all these feelings – all this _pain_ – has left him exhausted and confused and isolated.

And he doesn’t know what to do to save himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo...No one but Buck is actually in this, everyone is only referenced :) 
> 
> I would love any kind of feedback! Whether critical or just love, it would make my day!


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